Where Dave Barry, presidential candidate, stands on key issues

Dave Barry is sometimes known as a very funny newspaper columnist, at least on his better days. But just now he's also known as a presidential candidate (again). And just to demonstrate that he's dead serious, he's fielding questions from citizen-voters, questions such as:

Q - Dear Mr. Barry, As president, would you be willing to make the personal sacrifice necessary in order to ensure that pictures of your colonoscopy become front page news? And, if so, would you agree that "The Five Benign Polyps" would be an excellent name for a rock band ?- Concerned Citizen, San Francisco, CA 7/25/07
A - There would be one entire TV channel devoted full-time to broadcasting high-definition color images of my various internal and external organs. -Dave Barry 7/28/07

Q - If "elected" President of the good old U.S. of A., can Americans expect a chicken in every pot? - Salt Lick Slim, Wendover, Utah 7/27/07
A - My feeling is, if you give a man a chicken, he will eat for a day. But if you teach him to fish for chicken, you will probably never see him again.- Dave Barry 7/28/07

Q - Dave, in our recent elections, states that vote Republican were called Red States and those that vote Democrat were called Blue States, or maybe it was the other way around. What color will the states be that vote for you? - Mark, Arlington Heights, IL 7/27/07
A - Beer-colored. - Dave Barry 7/28/07

Q - Mr. CandiDave, billions of dollars are flowing out of the United States, worsening our already sucky balance of trade deficit, to feed an increasing American dependence on a commodity not produced within our borders: Harry Potter. If elected, what will you do to get all that money back? - Anonymous 7/27/07
A - I will start a crash program to develop Harry Potter books right here in America, made from ethanol. - Dave Barry 7/28/07

Q - I hate Fox news but they have the hottest girls, can you as president force CNN to hire good looking news anchor chicks? - Jose, Puerto Rico 7/26/07
A - This will be my highest priority - Dave Barry 7/26/07

Q - Dear Mr. "Next-to-Be President" Dave - Yesterday, I took an informal poll at my local Walmart, and out of the 40 people questioned, not one knew anything about you. Do you think you may have a name recognition problem or did I just happen to pick 40 stupid people? - Jim George, Summerville SC 7/26/07
A - Big deal. I don't know them either. - Dave Barry 7/26/07

Q - Dear Dave - Since Michael Vick is probably finished as an NFL quarterback, would you consider him good candidate for a manned mission to Pluto? - Jim George, Summerville SC 7/23/07
A - Yes, but he cannot go alone, which is why we will also be sending Nancy Grace. - Dave Barry 7/24/07

Q - Dave, if you had just one wish for the American people, what would it be? And conversely, if you had one wish for the rest of the world, what would that be? - Heidi, Boston, MA 7/23/07
A - Very simply, I would wish, on behalf of all the people of the world, that I would be happy. - Dave Barry 7/24/07

Q - Dave, what or who will be your Official White House pet, if you are elected? - matthew, jericho 7/24/07
A - Dennis Kucinic. - Dave Barry 7/24/07

Q - Our current President once said... "God loves you, and I love you. And you can count on both of Us as a powerful message that people who wonder about their future can hear." (4 Mar 2004, Los Angeles.) Mr. Barry, are you capable of this kind of emotional commitment? - Dr. Scott David Milkey, Ashburn, VA 7/23/07
A - After a few beers, sure. - Dave Barry 7/24/07

Q - Please tell us something ethical so we can judge your family values and upstanding-ness. I was not impressed with the nasty photo of you groping that bear. - Dejenerated, Boston, MA 7/23/07
A - That was a consenting bear. At least at first. - Dave Barry 7/24/07

OKAY - If that didn't satisfy your curiosity about the Dave Barry candidacy, go on over to his Q&A forum and read all questions and responses. You can even ask your own question, since you're probably just wasting time at work anyway.