We should test drivers for impairment, not for birthdays

An older driver went into the wall of McDonald's last week and it was her age, not her impairment (if any) that came under attack. Commentators to the Advocate report chirped about the need to remove older folks from the roadways.

As a 73-year-old driver with my first McDonald's wall - or anything else - yet to be hit with my car in 57 years behind the wheel, I'm pretty sure I can drive at least as well as any of those commenters. I have the added advantage, most of the time, of a 69-year-old wife yelling in my ear about approaching hazards, many of them thousands of feet away and most of them imaginary.

Old age itself does, I admit, eventually become an impairment and whenever I get penalized by age I fully intend to arrange for transportation by others. It will be a sad day, and I hope it will be many years from now, but I promise to peacefully submit my keys.

In the meantime I don't want to hear anymore crap about taking the keys of, or requiring special tests for, folks unfortunate enough to grow older.

What I do want to hear is about sensible laws in Ohio that identify and penalize impaired driving - by people of all ages.

Start with the definition of - and reliable tests for - driving while "impaired." Such a definition would include not what is in one's bloodstream, urine, or breath but instead a computerized measure of the driver's ability to think, control his body, react to emergencies, and read both speedometer and distant traffic signals.

As mentioned here yesterday, the present law measures only chemicals deemed to be "controlled substances" found in body fluids and breath. It ignores effects of medicine - prescription and otherwise - which slow you down, make you light-headed, make you pass out and even, fer God's sake, cause weird things such as "anal leakage." Having anal leakage while driving would surely impair anyone's ability concentrate or to steer in a straight line.

Meantime, there is a Nintendo gamester thing called Wii Fit, described by Business Week as "a sturdy board slightly larger than a bathroom scale, about an inch high, that communicates with the Wii console wirelessly. Players step onto the board, which senses their movements, balance, and center of gravity. Included software features dozens of activities based on strength training, aerobics, and yoga..."

Seems to me that if Nintendo can mass-produce a "game" that can do all that, Ohio lawmen can do better than make suspects blow into a tube or pee in a cup - poor excuses for tests that will get dangerous drivers off the road.