Enough about well-being of homosexuals; it's time to support masturbators

With all the homosexual love being spotlighted in the homo-oriented mass media, it's no surprise that the local Gannett paper would announce with a straight face on Page One that children at Newark High School have formed what they call a "Gay Straight Alliance."

What was surprising is that this is smiled upon by the school, and that a school principal is the advisor. He was quoted as saying "The Number One goal is a support system for kids."

That doesn't give me any sort of warm feeling for the Newark school system which is a major consumer of my tax money. I'm guessing that other taxpayers - mostly parents - may get sizzling hot over the idea, and not in the queer sense of the word.

We'll see.

In the meantime I hereby call upon Newark Schools to begin another support group, this one for masturbators.

I'm sure that there are many more masturbators at Newark Schools than there are homosexuals, and God knows masturbators need all the support they can get because they're getting none at all.

They too could have their own meetings in school facilities and talk about issues connected with masturbation.

Perhaps this same principal - Jesse Truett - would be available to advise the Masturbators Club because he said he will "support all our students, no matter who they are." He said he hopes his homosexual group of children "will become just another part of the Newark High School's landscape." He justified his commitment to this cause, in part, by saying "it's not unusual, and it's not strange."

Maybe not to him. But it sure as hell is to me and a lot of other taxpayers, and don't get me started on how the parents of these children must feel. But strange or not, I can almost guarantee that masturbation is a lot less unusual and a lot less strange and anyway it's long past time when masturbators came out of the closet. It's long past time when they got their own local headlines and a lot more media attention in general.

Masturbators have had neither national nor local recognition; they've never had tax dollars allocated to them (not even so much as the services of high school principal advisor or the use of school facilities), never had television shows devoted to their preferences, never had their own trips and club activities as is the hope of the children in this Gay Straight Alliance at NHS.

Masturbators, arise! Come, open the closet door and demand equality. Yours may be the last sexual activity yet to win media admiration, public reassurance and government support.