I married a potty-mouth

(Written 2/26/06)
I am married to a woman whose very own son called her “potty-mouth.” The reason is because she said the WORD and I heard it and told him about it and now I’m telling everyone.

I surely wouldn’t make a deal of it were it not for the fact that she gets hyper whenever she hears someone else say the WORD. Especially me, knowing as she full well knows, that I would never say the WORD unless circumstances so demanded.

Anyway, my wife is one of those folks on Medicare who thinks the world should still live by the rules of the 1960s, maybe even 50’s. Back then, when you said the WORD in the presence of your elders you’d collect a case of whup-butt. Now you don’t get anything. Except me, when I say it in front of her and then I get - at the least - a case of rolled eyes and often much more.

This word-usage issue arose recently when we were in Meijers and I got tired of shopping with a re-shopper. A re-shopper is a person who shops the daylights out of an item, including the reading of ingredients labels of every competitor. At last she finds The One Product That Will Do - and this is where normal shoppers throw the thing in the cart and go on to the next challenge. But this is where the re-shopper holds it in her hand, and then begins to re-shop, studying every competitor all over again.

So it was recently at Meijers with this weighty popcorn-shopping hurdle. Only one brand and size would do - I already knew this - because she never buys any other. Still, this one certain brand had to be examined closely, accurately, minutely, excruciatingly. I was sooo tired of this. We had been in the store forever and we were still in the popcorn aisle.

I had the audacity to sigh or something, maybe suggested we move along. But she was determined to get the full measure of shopping enjoyment nonetheless. The re-shopping began.

I don’t remember what I said at that point, but I’m sure it was polite and right on target.

My wife didn’t think so. “Shut the WORD up,” she whispered between clenched teeth.

YES! She finally said it! The WORD Rule is moot! Irrelevant! Annihilated! Annulled! Rescinded! Canceled!, Dissolved!


My son called her next day. “Hey, potty-mouth… I know where you can get help for that.”

As for me, I say: Home free!